Mastery of life
Photo by Jeremy Bishop
Mastery in any field of endeavor implies that the thinking mind is either no longer involved at all or at least is taking second place. A power and intelligence greater than you and yet one with you in essence takes over. There is no decision making process anymore; spontaneous right action happens and “you” are not doing it. Mastery of life is the opposite of control. You become aligned with the greater consciousness. It acts, speaks, does the work.
From Stillness speaks, by Eckhart Tolle
Hello soulshine, just to be completely clear from the get go, I am a massive Eckhart Tolle fan. I read The Power of Now almost on a daily basis, for over a decade now. The Now is my practice moment by moment. This blog might just turn into a Tolle fansite if I do lose all control.
You have been warned :D.
My intention is to lose control and let life live through me. Whatever it is. Surrender. No more personal preferences of the ego. And this blog has been wanting to be born through me for over a year. Hundreds of times it came knocking on my door. And I had personal preferences to actually not do it. Why expose myself? Danger! Hide and there shall be safety.
Yet that’s just not true, not really for me. Hiding, dimming my light, blending in, has led to years of depression and a decade of Lyme disease. In which I was almost unable to sit up or walk. This blog kept coming to me. Knocking on my door over and over, for me to play with it. And I would go into this discussion with it as to why I simply can’t.
I have been practicing surrender and losing control for years. This year I felt the intense desire, longing, pull to lose all control. Complete surrender to the magical flow of life that wants to come through me.
So I am saying YES! YES to losing control. YES to complete surrender. YES to what wants to be born through me. YES to not knowing. Ahhhhhhhh the not knowing, can be so daunting and scary. What will happen?! I DON’T KNOW… And it can also be freeing. Anything can happen! YES to being curious. YES to being brave. YES to being courageous (which is the same as brave I know, but I can always do with a little bit extra of it). YES to exploring. To the adventure of life that will unfold. YES to shining all of my crazy bright light. YES to loving myself like my life depends on it, cause it does!
I feel like my life depends on it. There is this idea that all emotions come back to two really: fear and love. So the way I see it. If love ain’t ruling my life then fear is. And we all know what that’s like. Fear has its place, yet it’s never gonna create a full, joyful, beautiful life, that I personally long for.
Or as Eckhart calls it: the ego. The ego in this sense is basically all of the unresolved past pain in us and its emotional reactional habitual patterns and the hurtful bully of a voice in your head. It’s your pain having its hold on you and how you live your life. The ego is your pain being in control of your life.
The ego if left unseen will eat me up and spit me out, and use my life up. If fear rules my life, I know it will be a cycle of pain, the same pain over and over. The same fights over and over, sometimes with new people, but basically the same fights. The same thoughts over and over of not being good enough to be loved. The dance of perfection, becoming good enough some day hopefully. The hustle for approval and appreciation, the hustle for love. The pleasing to please please please like me and love me. For me a life lived not loving myself is a life wasted.
I came to this point by losing myself, I thought. When ill, I lost a great part of my ability to sit up and walk. I lost my work, which also was my dream. I lost family and friends. My brain couldn’t even watch a movie until the 7th year of illness. I lost words and sometimes my memory. I lost my energy. I lost almost everything I thought made me me. Or just even what made me human. Who am I if I can’t think, sit, walk, work or talk. What is left? Without the ability to do, who am I?
So turns out what is left, is me. I was still here. The one who experiences life is still here. It took me a while to realize but now I know it was my soul. My soul can never leave me cause it’s who I really am. And I‘ve been on this journey to get to know this soul that I am. I know who I am now. I am love. I am light. I am now. I am home. I simply am. This is the truth of who I am.
I know now that I can never lose anything that is real. The essence of me is always here. So now I can and want to play and enjoy life, cause I have this knowing of having nothing to lose and nothing that I need to gain. I need nothing to love myself. Uncaused selflove, as is.
My intention for my life is this, to live from this knowing that I do not need anything or anybody to love myself. To remember this, as I enter life again and of course life, stuff and people happen. To live from this place of uncaused selflove. This is my intention.
Selflove for me meant decluttering, my inner space that is. What is ego and where is my soul? What is pain and what is love? Where don’t I love myself? Why do I sabotage myself? Why am I running around hustling and whoring for love? What pain am I running from? Dare I feel it? Ahhhh NO, and then yes okay… NO, yes, NO, YES, yes, YES, NO, no, YES! The torture! But it is for me the choice between feeling it now or letting it take the rest of my life as hostage. It is the choice between fear or love. It’s the only choice we make, over and over, in each moment. Do I choose love or fear? Selflove or selfhate?
I choose selflove, over and over. And I allow myself to re-choose when I’ve let the ego convince or deceive me it was being loving. I keep feeling, healing, learning and growing. I keep being curious about my inner space.
Love starts with myself.
There is this quote:
“All relationships are a reflection of the one you have with yourself”
Loving myself, reflects now back to me in the relationships I choose to have. This meant more decluttering. Who is loving me? Who truly enjoys who I really am? Who do I really enjoy? And who isn’t loving? Is the love uncaused?
To be absolutely clear, it can get really uncomfortable this road of selflove. Where there is discomfort or pain there lies the healing. It takes a truly courageous soul to dive, bungee jump into this pain. To feel it, so you can heal it. To feel through that “I’m gonna die”-feeling. It is going to feel like you’re dying, it can feel horrible. But what dies is your ego, the pain of your past and what’s left, is the light and freedom of your heart, your soul.
Uncaused love attracts uncaused love. This is like the ultimate bonus miracle. When you love yourself unconditionally, you will attract people around you who love you just as you are in an uncaused way!
I am now surrounded with beautiful souls who see me, hear me, lift me, rise up with me, support me, play with me, embrace me, grow with me, ENJOY me and love me. This for me is a dream come true and a miracle.
The miracle of uncaused selflove.
This is what my blog is about. Selflove. Uncaused.
About not dimming my light, so I can fit in and be “normal”. FUCK normal!
I’ve been told that I’m weird all my life. FUCK IT! I’m ready to claim my crazy cause I am fucking CRAZY. I’m DONE trying to be “normal” and I super suck at it anyway.
Out with the CRAZY! I am going to shine all of my CRAZY BRIGHT LIGHT now!
I am making a stand for my soul. I am fucking fabulous.
I love who I am.
I am making a stand for SELFLOVE! I am amazing just as I am right now. As are YOU. We are all loveable exactly the way we are right now. Uncensored, unpolished, unfiltered, unperfect. Uncaused love.
This is the journey I’m on and am asked to share. And I will do so with courage in my heart. I will show you the good, the bad and the UGLY.
To see my uncaused whole self through the bullshit of the ego, that is my adventure. The ride that I am on.
A free soul, shining all of it’s crazy bright light, that is the story that I am writing now.
Welcome love to Crazy Bright Light! May you shine like crazy!
With uncaused love,
Ann
