Fearfully Courageous
Photo by Dakota Corbin
The F-word. No, not that one :), the one that’s way harder to say and admit to. FEAR.
Hiding myself to be safe. It never really worked, yet I want to.
The fearful little kid inside me wants to hide, not be seen, so I can’t do anything wrong. So I can’t lose love. So I don’t have to feel that pain. The excruciating hurt, the intense grief, of not being good enough to be loved.
It’s the reason why I said NO so many times to the idea of a blog. It came knocking on my door over and over and I kept saying it doesn’t suit me.
I have been a very private and shy person.
When I was a kid, like around 7 or so at school, when we had these circles in which we sat and the teacher would ask us to share about our weekend, I was just on the edge of bursting into tears, out of fear. What is the right thing to say? Did I even do anything worth mentioning? What if I say something that’s weird? I would often freeze and say nothing instead.
Starting high school at age 12, I didn’t speak for the first three months. My girlfriends later asked me why I didn’t say anything at first.
Doing a presentation, in front of the class at age 14, I cried the whole 15 minutes that I was up there, standing in front of the whole class and them looking at me, while I was sobbing and still trying to do my speech. I was not just a little bit shy, I was deadly shy.
Often I hear this phrase “I grew over it”, well not me. I had to go through the shit to become more and more brave to be myself. It’s more that I worked on my courage than that my fear disappeared. I always had LOADS of fear. It was actually very confusing to me and others. Cause alongside the fear was courage. Although I didn’t realise it for a long long time.
I would be deadly afraid of something and yet in the end, I would will myself into doing it. It felt like torture.
When I was 14, I was madly in love with film and my deep deep passion was to become an actress. This was like a living nightmare to me. What the fuck?! So here I am, I don’t want to be seen, please let me hide and simultaneously, oh yes, I want to be an actress. FEAR!! And not just a little bit, fear consumed me. My passion, my dream was literally my worst nightmare!! Who the hell thought this was a good combo?! But it was all consuming this passion. I felt it through and through, heart body mind, it was everywhere. The conviction was so odd. It was a big YESSS and a big NOOOO at the same time. Torture. Torn in both directions.
Move ahead and take classes? NO to classes, I won’t go! I have to go, it’s my DREAM! It was a tug of war inside myself.
Almost 16, still no classes and lots of disappointment in myself. I had a talking to myself. Do you want this or not. YES. Then do it. NO. I am afraid. I can’t do this. Too much fear. I don’t want people looking at me. I’m not a natural speaker, I don’t like attention. It’s not for me.
And then a moment of clarity hits me. Do you want fear to stand in the way of your dreams? …..NO
Shit, fear is preventing me from living my dream. Do I want to live like this?!
NO. I want to at least TRY to live my dream. All I ask of myself is that I have tried. And I made a promise, a deal, with myself. I said to myself I would never let fear come between me and my dreams.
This promise to myself has sent me to places I feared visiting. If I saw I was afraid to do something that actually led to a dream or desire, I had to do it. In the beginning it could still take ages, but the seeing of the fear and the deal I had with myself meant that in the end, I would have to do it. This practice, over years and years, led to me doing fearful things quicker and quicker cause in the end I had to anyway. And the sooner I did it the less anxiety over the prospect cause I would make myself do it always, no matter how long I procrastinated. I was calling myself on my own bullshit.
So I went to youth theatre classes and eventually studied acting, scared all the way until the very last year. That’s when I had to go through the fear of being seen. Because an actress who hides is a very bad actress turns out. So to graduate and work as an actor, it wasn’t enough to just be there, I had to show up for real. Let myself be seen. And I wanted to enjoy myself. Cause all I felt was fear. Although I made myself take the steps towards my dream. The dream wasn’t fulfilling cause there was only fear.
So I said to myself give it all you got and enjoy yourself. Cause if it’s not going to be enjoyable this dream then I’m out. No reason to chase a dream that only brings fear. So the deal was to ENJOY and PLAY or I am quitting. And I really didn’t want to quit. The passion, for unknown reasons, was too strong. I felt with every fiber of my being that this was it. My big dream. So gotta try this enjoying and playing thing. Cause that’s what acting is in essence, playing.
Turns out this enjoying myself thing was a game changer. I was less occupied with thinking about others and pleasing them. I was way more relaxed. And relaxedness is a great base for joy and play and having fun.
Now I see I was training my courage muscle. To be more brave than fearful. To be more myself, than I was fearful. That’s been the dance.
To be brave enough to be myself. That was, and still is, the ultimate dream. I see that now. Beneath all that fear, what I wanted most was to be free. To be free to be myself, express myself. Live my life freely and joyfully. To move beyond fear, so I can be me.
I feel that this immense fear I carried with me, actually encouraged my courage to develop. In a sense, inspired it to blossom. There was so so so much fear in me, that I needed to develop bravery, not just to equal that fear, but to surpass it… if I wanted to be myself and live joyfully. In a way I want to be grateful for that BIG fear, it led me to be more myself. It’s been a very clear and obvious (when I pay attention and listen that is) guide to me, of which way not to go. It was LOUD. And it’s getting clearer and clearer, now that I’m learning to listen. It’s saying go another direction: Here where the fear is, is not where you truly live.
I do still carry this fear, this wanting to hide myself. The idea of safety when you just don’t show yourself. It still turns up once in a while, in the background, and sometimes it’s there more present, more in the forefront. I guess it’s also a story that I carry with me. Of this deadly shy private girl. I know where I’ve been and the fear I’ve felt. I didn’t really think this girl is the most natural choice to write and share so privately in a blog.
I also know I would make myself share very authenticly and courageously cause that’s the way I am now. Fearfully courageous myself. Courageously fearful.
A blog has never been a dream of mine, it’s not like the acting thing. That felt, at the time, very personal. MY dream. This blog doesn’t feel like that. So that was also confusing. It was one of those ideas that sort of came visiting me. Asking me to play with it, over and over. And I’m having more of those kind of inspirations knocking on my door. It kinda feels outside of me, asking to come in and play with me. That’s how it feels, sort of, it’s difficult to describe. And I’m like, I don’t know if you’re the kinda idea I wanna hang out with. I don’t know. I never thought about it and never thought I wanted to. I wonder what it will bring and why I’m supposed to play with it. Whatever it is, I want to let life live through me. So in the name of surrender, I am being curious and courageous.
So I DON’T KNOW, I am going to explore this. I am going to play with this blog and dare myself to enjoy it haha. Oh my dear poor sweet heart.
It will be an interesting ride.
This time I have to show up as myself. No character to hide behind. This is me.
At this moment I really want to hide under the table and be safe.
What did I get myself into now?!
With uncaused love,
Ann
