Giving people a fake yes is giving yourself a real no
Photo by Jack. Taken before the opening of my first art exhibition: Playtime. One of my real yesses.
I didn’t do anger
When I was little I was told to not get angry. Like you would say to a child, don't cry. It was said to me: don’t be angry. It was seen as a very unbecoming trait. Ugly and uncomfortable. Impolite to bother people with. Not a way for a child to behave.
I remember being angry only in some of my teen years. When I wanted to get a say in an authoritative household. But when just expressing another opinion is seen as talkback and disrespectful, anger didn’t help me. I think I gave up on the idea of anger in my twenties. For most of the rest of my life I thought I wasn’t an angry person. It was very hard to get me angry. I would mostly get sad but not angry.
The purpose of anger
By not being able to get angry I actually discovered the reason why anger exists. Healthy anger is your body mind spirit telling you hey no, stop, this is not okay. I don’t want this. No. It’s your inner NO response. Your inner feeling of what’s okay and what’s not.
I just thought I didn’t do anger. That I wasn’t an angry person. At least that’s what I thought.. HA.
You’d think living without anger would be easy breezy. Who really needs anger to live a joyful and fulfilling life?! Turns out, everybody needs a healthy dose of anger, and especially me! Cause not doing anger got me into a ton of trouble, hurt and heartbreak.
Healthy anger is your boundary radar
You see when you feel a healthy dose of anger you are connected with your inner no response. The inner feeling of that’s not okay, I don’t like that. It’s your boundary radar. According to the dictionary, a radar (in this context), is a person's capacity for intuitive perception. Your healthy anger is a short term emotion/signal guiding you in the moment. Which means it doesn’t last that long. It's just a short signal of telling you that something isn’t okay for you. It’s showing you a boundary.
When your healthy anger alarm goes off you feel the boundary because you get this feeling of no it doesn’t feel right and you follow it by acting accordingly and/or speaking this out. The anger will leave you when you’ve followed its signal. (Unless old pain is triggered and needs to be processed.)
Unhealthy anger keeps you stuck
Unhealthy anger is when you’re stuck in your emotion of anger and it starts to have a negative effect on your mental, emotional and/or physical wellbeing. Where you’re unable to let go and get stuck in the past. Reliving the pain over and over. Obviously we don’t want that kind of anger ruling our lives.
Boundaryless: a punching bag for all
Me having no connection to my inner no, meant that I let everybody do everything they pleased to me. Even if what they pleased wasn’t kind. It meant I was a willing punching bag for everyone who was having a bad day or a bad lifetime. And when people know that they kinda seek you out.
I got into so much trouble because I didn’t have healthy anger aka boundaries. Ranging from bad relationships, unhappiness, depression to physical pains. You name it.
I suppressed and ignored my boundary radar so often that I could hardly hear it anymore. People could do all kinds of shit to me without me even putting up a fight. I was boundaryless. Which is dangerous.
You see I didn’t know I had an option of saying no or stop. The option of anger, all types of anger, even the healthy one, was taken off the table so long ago that I didn’t remember that option anymore. My inner no was gone, was in a deep deep coma. It only reawakened after such bad treatment that even I couldn’t ignore it and knew it wasn’t okay.
The heartbreak of not doing anger
In my trying to be a good non angry child and later trying to be a good girl who doesn’t do anger, I lost my healthy anger, my boundaries and I learned the hard painful way that that is a dangerous situation to be in. I was not able to keep myself safe.
Being boundaryless led me to so many unhealthy situations. One of them happened during and after my decade long illness of Lyme disease. It had debilitated me to being in a wheelchair. Because I had limited ability to sit up or walk.
During this time many friends and family were not there for me. Which I filed under “but they have their own lives and it’s a difficult situation to face”. I was compassionate to that (and also very sad). Then after a while people around me started to not believe that I was sick, because for a long time I was undiagnosed. So people who cared about me thought I was lying. That was very hurtful and of course I did and said nothing about it.
After I got better (some of) the same people who weren’t there for me were upset and angry that I didn’t make more time for them now that I had more energy again. It was a bit of a theme among them.
Turns out I do do anger
What the fuck!! This fucking baffled me! And… finally got me angry!! Yes!! Turns the fuck out I do do anger!! I felt so much anger. Rage. All of the unfelt anger came bursting out. No. Fuck. Stop. And better treat me right!!!! My motto became “Love me or leave me".
My anger woke the fuck up out of the coma and hasn’t left me since. And my life is soooo much better with it.
I had to learn the difference between the healthy and unhealthy kind of anger. Use the healthy kind to set and keep boundaries and release and process the unhealthy kind to free and heal myself.
Hard truth: I didn’t care enough about myself to say no
I came face to face with some hard truths.
I finally realized that by having no boundaries, being boundaryless, I was saying to people: sure go ahead do anything you want with me, to me. Whatever you feel like, I don’t care. I don’t care enough about myself to stop you, refuse you, say no. Do as you please. And what that did was invite people in who needed a punching bag now and again or even often. I don’t care. I have no NO. Do as you please, even if what you please is to treat me unkind or like shit. It’s up to you, cause I ain’t home. I have zero say in my house (aka my body mind soul).
When people would treat me badly I didn’t say that it’s not okay. So they would come back and do it again and do it worse.
That’s what happened with the people who weren’t there for me when I was sick and then turned around to get upset with me that I didn’t make time for them once I was better.
What I implied by never addressing them not being there for me was that it’s okay. That it’s always about them. Our relationship isn’t about my needs and desires, it’s about yours. So when I got better it was still all about them. Only now I wasn’t okay with that anymore. I went through some big hard stuff and came out a different person. One that does care about herself. One that wants to say no that’s not okay, that’s very not okay and even, you know, some of it, is unacceptable to me, let’s part ways.
I said no to myself and yes to the whole world
Another hard hard truth was that I was treating myself like shit. I ignored my desires, needs and boundaries up to a point that it was dangerous. I walked all over myself, everytime I wanted to say no and said yes or wanted to say yes and said no. Every time I didn’t allow myself to want what I want or not want what I don’t want, I was betraying myself. I systematically and structurally said no to myself and yes to the whole world. And the consequences were devastating. I’ve been physically ill for a decade ,depressed, I completely lost myself. I could no longer hear myself cause I was so used to listening to everybody else.
Say yes to yourself
When I finally started asking myself what I wanted, all I heard was crickets. I had absolutely no idea. But I kept asking myself and honoring the answers that came up. I practiced saying yes to myself and no to everyone else. Scary! And the best ever!
Saying (a real) yes to yourself, means being true to yourself in the moment. Whether it might be yes, no, not now, let me think about it, not you, not for me.
I have options now besides just do what you please. Actually that’s the only option that’s no longer an option to me. I do what I please, always. And always with love, kindness and compassion.
I care! Always.
The wake up call of having no boundaries and having the consequences of that show up in my life, changed me. I have had enough pain. I woke up from sleepwalking through life. I embody my house, my home, body mind soul, more and more. I started to care. I care so much about myself that I treat myself accordingly.
I take my own desires, needs, wishes and boundaries seriously. Cause if I don’t, why would anybody else? If I don’t care why would anyone else? By treating myself with care, I show other people how to treat me, with care.
I own being responsible for my own wellbeing and joy. And I use my healthy anger to help me with that. It’s key to my happiness, to be connected to my inner boundaries radar.
I realized that when I gave people a fake yes I was giving myself a real no. And saying no to yourself over and over and over is very very painful, heartbreaking actually.
To be in peace, in joy, in wholeness, to be fully myself, I needed to start saying yes to myself. The real kind of yes. And I’d had to do it over and over and over and over again. Basically all the time. I don’t just care sometimes. I care for myself always.
Go get angry, in a healthy way
In every moment I try to care about myself and it’s starting to become my default. I love it. Life is way kinder this way. I’m way kinder this way. I’m no longer waiting for the world to treat me right. I treat myself right and that feels powerful. I’m owning myself and showing up for myself. I’m actually present in my own soul home. Yes!
Healthy anger is here to help and empower you. Having a healthy dose of anger is having healthy boundaries, which means you care about yourself. So I’m saying go get angry, in a healthy way that is and take care of yourself, always. You deserve it, in every single moment.
Love,
An-na
