Nobody decides your worth, not even you.Your worth is untouchable.
Me and the little and big bundles of joy that I am a proud auntie-mama to. My inspirations and little crazy teachers.
The trying-to-be-good-enough-dance
The fear of not being good enough is so universally felt. Some even say it is the fear underlying all fears (together with the fear of death). And when I look out into the world I can see there is truth in that. I see it showing up in all different forms and expressions of behavior and emotions. It can be someone trying to prove him/herself, it can be arrogance, it can be making yourself smaller or bigger than others, it can be oversharing or undersharing, it can be insecurity, doubting, or someone being rigid and controlling, holding on to past or future, stuck in pain or stuck in achieving. I haven’t met a single person who doesn’t do the trying-to-be-good-enough-dance, even just a little bit. I do the dance too and simultaneously I’m also trying to get out of it.
So far I haven’t met a single person who, at all times knows without a doubt, that he or she is worthy and good enough.
Why do we chase this “good enough” so badly?
There is a sort of subtext to the fear of not being good enough. I feel there’s a part that is implied that’s left unsaid, but is very important to say out loud. To realize what it’s really about. I feel there’s a part of the sentence being left out. It is implying this: the fear of not being good enough to be loved. And saying this extra implied part makes it make so much more sense. It’s about love. Isn’t everything? Love. I believe it’s the most powerful force in the world. Why would almost all of us (maybe some enlightened teachers and kids excluded) do this trying-to-be-good-enough-dance. We are dancing, hustling, craving, to be loved. Worth seeking. To be worthy of love. We do everything we do for love.
Everyone is trying to be loved
When I look out into the world this is what I see: People trying to be loved. People who are in pain. I can see everybody has its own pain. Almost nobody is free of that. What I also see is this: the difference between a happy, joyful person and a unhappy, stuck person is simply this: the joyful one knows what he or she can do with the pain to process it and release it. The unhappy one doesn’t know what to do with its pain and remains stuck in the pain.
The difference is not that the joyful person doesn’t experience pain. It’s simply knowing what to do with it and also knowing it is just that, an experience, it does not equal who you are. There is this tiniest of gap between you and the pain.
I’ve been both people, the joyful one and the unhappy depressed one. And this is how I’ve experienced it. Life still happens, changes happen, big and small life events happen, fights, failures, all emotions pass by, pain still happens. The difference is knowing what to do with it to process it or how to sit with it and then release it or simply seeing the gap between you and the pain. It’s how you deal with what happens. And how you look at it.
There is no bad person, just bad behavior.
I learned so much from therapy. So many foundational wisdoms and just plain life skills, like communicating in a healthy kind conscious way. I wished I’d known these when I was growing up, it would have helped me so much as a teen.
One of the big clarifying lessons that I learned from my amazing therapist Lu, was this distinction: If you do something bad or wrong or unkind, you are exhibiting “bad” behavior, it does not make you a bad person. The point here is your behavior cannot make you into a bad person. You can however behave unkindly or do something wrong. Also people can just misinterpret you (miscommunication/ or people mixing in their own baggage). Which happens quite often.
Lu and I came upon this subject because as so many parents and children, we highly didn’t agree, me and my parents. And what I was hearing was I am a bad girl, a bad person. My parents didn’t agree with most of my choices, it didn’t fit in with their ideas for me and the traditions they were accustomed to. But I kept thinking and “hearing” them say I am a bad daughter.
So Lu explained to me that people often do not communicate clearly what they mean, even if they think they do. Often when people say to a child you are bad, or you are naughty, what they actually mean is you have done something bad, or (I feel) you did something naughty or simply I don’t agree with what you did. As in, call out the behavior, don't shame the person.
Also behavior, although it can be hard, is changeable. Being deemed a bad person, how do you recover from that? It puts you away just like that. And here’s the thing: nobody gets to put you away like that. You can filter out the miscommunication and decide for yourself, is there some truth to the behavior that the person is pointing to? And you leave the bad person comment behind. If for example: you’re called a liar. You can ask yourself did I lie? You look at your behavior and drop the shaming part that directs itself to you as a person.
As I said I wish everybody got taught clear healthy communication at school. How much unnecessary suffering could be prevented?!
Nobody has or gets the power to decide that you as a person are not good enough. And that includes YOU. You also don’t get to shame you as a person. Call out behavior. Do not shame a person. Nobody has the power to take away or add to your worth. You are worthy as is, we all are. Worth is untouchable.
Why is worth untouchable?
I learned this through little kids. I have the honor of being an auntie mama to many little wonderful souls, little boys and girls, who are loves of my life. I adore them. Seeing them grow up in their pureness, innocence and light, has taught me so much. They are so full and alive, so joyful and pure in emotion, wonderfully honest as well. Observing them, seeing them grow up from baby to little kid, to bigger kids, and witnessing their pureness, one day it struck me. If I think that I am not good enough, then what I am saying is, one day these beautiful kids will also turn into not good enough. I was a kid once. I was pure. We all were. We all had that pureness and innocence. I am just as worthy as these little bundles of joy. Either we are all judgeable or we are all not.
It would mean that one day the world gets to say to them: You are not good enough. And that was the day it got me to my core. It hit home, hard. NO. This will not stand. For all the kids out there and for all of us who were once a kid. I REFUSE it! I will do my part, I will heal this in me and model best as I can that I am worthy, so they can look out into their world and see someone who reflects back at them: Your worth is sacred and untouchable. You are beyond good enough and you will always be. Your pureness, joy and aliveness will always be your home and the absolute truth.
Nobody gets to decide your worth, not even you.
Worthiness is untouchable. Your worth is sacred and unshakeable. You are the pureness, joy and innocence that you see when you look in the eyes of an innocent wonderful child.
Mantras for a new story of worth:
Nobody gets to decide my worth. Not even me.
Nothing and nobody has the power to take away or add to my worth.
I am worthy as is. I am worthy now.
My worth is untouchable.
My worth is unshakeable.
You are absolutely inherently lovable. You are beyond good enough to be loved.
You are loved.
With love,
An-na
