AHA moment: Perfectionism is continuous losing
Photo by Roos Venema
AHA moment about perfectionism
I had this big aha moment a couple of weeks ago. It involved a familiar pain that I just couldn’t shake. Sometimes old pains show up, come more to the surface to be dealt with. To heal, to learn from. The one that came up for me, was perfectionism.
“I didn’t want to step on any toes and unleash anybody’s wrath on me. If I don’t keep an eye on myself that is how I go through life. Thinking I am wrong by default.”
I have to say the perfect thing, do or not do the perfect thing. With people going through a lot, and a lot of emotions going on, I didn’t want to step on any toes and unleash anybody’s wrath on me. If I don’t keep an eye on myself that is how I go through life. Thinking I am wrong by default. Thinking the world is not safe to just relax and be myself. I have to be, do, say the exact perfect thing so as to not be punished. I only have to be perfect, always. Easy peasy. Not terrifying at all.
Sharing the ugliness
So I tell my husband, this is what I am thinking and I can’t shake this feeling of being dirty, despicable. Of having done something wrong. That thing I said to that person or the thing I posted or the thing I didn’t do yet, that person is upset with me and is not liking me right now. Is taking love away. Everywhere I imagine people being upset with me. I have been a bad girl. That’s how it feels. I’m a little kid who did something that I wasn’t supposed to do and now I will be punished and yelled at. Only the yelling and the punishing is now done by me. In my head I am very judgemental to myself, I take away love and worth from myself. It can get very hurtful, very f*cking fast.
“I’m a little kid who did something that I wasn’t supposed to do and now I will be punished and yelled at. Only the yelling and the punishing is now done by me.”
So I share this with hubby, because sometimes sharing can put an end to it. And sometimes just to have someone sane give me some support, insight or a hand out of there. This time he said write in your journal, my gratitude journal.
Journaling for sanity
It’s actually one of my go to’s, if I had been sane enough at the moment to remember. I do gratitudes to get me out of dark places or just to stay even more in the light and enjoy it even more.
So I started writing in my gratitude journal and I like to write stream of consciousness. Just write, no thinking or stopping much. So I start a thing that I’m grateful for and it evolves into writing about this topic. About what perfectionism is and I never heard it so deeply before. I was like, WOW! It felt like the universe talking to me. It was just what I needed to hear.
Striving for Perfection
So what I wrote was this:
“I can’t ask myself to be perfect. It doesn’t exist. People can’t be perfect. I can’t say the perfect thing. Be or do perfectly. Wanting to be perfect is unsafe in itself. It doesn’t exist so I WILL fail. There shall be ‘good’ and ‘bad’ cause there is no such thing as perfection. The world of perfection is a world of pain, of hate, of inevitable punishment. Inevitable worthlessness. Perfection is unattainable, so hate, pain and punishment is inevitable. In the striving for perfection the self hate of not being good enough is inevitable. Striving for perfection is striving for hate. For pain, for punishment. For endless continuous failure. Wow! Perfection is a loop of hate, pain and punishment. You can’t win in the game of perfection. Nobody can. It is a continuous losing.”
This was my aha moment:
“Perfectionism is a loop of hate, pain and punishment. You can’t win in the game of perfection. Nobody can. It is a continuous losing.”
And I go on writing and then something comes to me about my other pursuit. The one in which I want to be my true self. Who I really am.
In striving to be myself
“In the striving to be myself, there is space for love, kindness, peace, joy, growth, healing, connection, community, forgiveness, softness, warmth, generosity, grace, compassion, light, optimism, learning, being home, relaxation, surrender, trust, laughter, dancing, singing, living from my power.”
So my mind was blown. I called out to my husband: It’s a LOOP of hate and pain. I can NEVER win in this game of perfection. I’m just constantly losing to myself. It’s so tough! Look at how soft and spacious the pursuit of being myself is! OMG! I can ONLY LOSE! It’s a LOOP, it’s a LOOP of hate, pain and punishment. It’s inevitable. Choosing the path of perfection is per default choosing to lose. WOW! I kept saying wow a lot.
Yes WOW! Let’s put them side to side for even more clarity.
PS: If you’re reading this on your phone, the two columns below become one. Read like this: every pair below, the first one is about striving for perfection and second about the pursuit of being myself. Repeat.
Striving for:
Perfection Being myself
Rigidity Flow
Hard, tough Softness
Unforgiving Forgiveness
Punishment Compassion
Hate Kindness
Pain Healing
Fixed idea of good and bad What’s true for me now
Constantly losing Learning, growth
Constantly judging Peace
Constantly weighing myself Worthiness
Constantly coming short Being enough
Abandoning myself Trusting myself
Giving away my power Living from my power
Darkness Light
Sadness Joy
Lost Being home
Constantly fearful Warmth, connection
Worry, anxiety Stillness
Fear for the inevitable pain Space for love
Constantly on my guards Relaxation
100% faultless Space for being human
Unsafe Safe
Powerlessness Powerful
Hurt people hurt people
Okay that list is eye opening huh! It makes me think of this quote that has been so true for me:
“Hurt people hurt people.”
ps: The origin of the quote is undecided says the mighty internet :). I heard it on the Oprah show and it always stuck with me.
When I hurt, I want to hurt, be reactive. Act out. I didn’t know what to do with the pain for a long time, so I became grumpy, irritated, agitated. Say the wrong thing, look at me funny and I can snap at ya. I can say something passive aggressive, take a dig at ya. Maybe push that button about that thing you feel insecure about. You know, just very snappy and looking for trouble. It’s when we tend to bite. At even the littlest things. Just to direct the pain to somewhere, get it out. And blaming someone else is way easier than looking inwards to the source of the pain.
I have also seen it in others, the people who’ve been hurt and don’t know what to do with it, can act also in this way. Hurt people hurt people. We do what we know. Just because we don’t know any different way of dealing with it. So it’s a cycle of pain.
Loved people love people
I don’t know if the opposite is also a quote but I believe in this: Loved people love people. I believe that loving myself is the way to put an end to the pain cycle. When I can stop hurting (myself) and start loving myself, I will have stopped my pain from rippling on. I will have become a ‘loved people love people’-person and I will ripple love.
“I believe that loving myself is the way to put an end to the pain cycle.”
I believe in the power of love. I believe that loving myself is the best gift to myself and to the world. To move away from my hurt and into love, that is my biggest wildest dream. To just be able to be myself. Freedom. To be myself. Love can set me free. Love can set us free.
“Freedom. To be myself…that is my biggest wildest dream”
May you shine all of your crazy bright light! And ripple light into the world just by being your wonderful true self.
With uncaused love,
Ann
