Busting the life myth: Selfcare is NOT selfish. It is essential.
Photo by Teresa Jang
Why does selfcare feel like almost a bonus? Great if we get to it but last or low on the to do list. We know we should or could take care more of ourselves. And yet often we end up last on our own care list. So many other people or things to take care of first.
Last on my own to do list
That’s how it was for me, for many many years. Even after depression and illness, my people pleasing conditioning would not let me go. When I got healthy and better after a decade of illness, it took me almost 2 years to get to a yoga class. One that I had promised myself to start, so I would have applied the lesson of selfcare, learned from being sick so long.
But it was always if I had time/ energy left I would go to a class. And you guessed it, I never had time left. I didn’t make the time because it was last on the list, on the if I have time left list, as in not important at all, no priority. So after 18 months or so I asked myself how come I didn’t go yet cause actually it’s super important that I apply this lesson! I don’t want to get sick again. And also I would love to thrive for a change. To get over this survival conditioning and be able to feel good and thrive.
Survival conditioning
So 18 months in, I saw myself not doing what I had learned but still doing what I was conditioned to do as a people pleaser and helper. I used the energy I had gained with my health to help and serve others. And every month or so I would hit a wall. I would feel drained. And then I would, out of necessity, take days off to recharge and take care of myself.
I would love to thrive for a change. To get over this survival conditioning and be able to feel good and thrive.
When I took that moment to reflect, I saw that I did what I always did. I put everybody and all of their problems and needs first and myself last, again and again. I felt I was not that urgent. That other people’s pain came before my health and wellbeing. Cause obviously it’s more acute where the drama is, at least that is how it felt for me as a people pleaser. And I realised then, I will never get out of this disease, stress, low energy and unhappiness loop if I don’t REALLY change this. It would just be a matter of time and I would revert to being sick again, in whatever way it would pop up next time. And I desperately needed there not to be a next time!
Maintenance of a car is legally obligated
I’m from The Netherlands, and here it’s legally required to maintain your car. You are to get your car checked at a registered garage. Depending on how old your car is, this is yearly or every other year. They have to fix and maintain all untill it checks the safe to drive box.
Say you would drive your car around and go about your life and you would not fuel your car, what would happen then? Of course it’s a bit of a silly question, you would run out of gas and not be able to drive on and maybe even get stuck at the side of the highway. What if you do this over and over? You only put fuel in when you hit this point of completely empty and stuck again by the side of the road. You disrupt your life unnecessarily, by having to be towed and the cost and stress of it. And you risk damage to your car.
This is what we so often do with our bodies. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we get stuck by the side of the road over and over, cause our tank is empty and we didn’t take the time to refuel. Until absolutely necessary. By then it takes more effort and stress to get out of it. Refuelling will take up way more energy at this point. If you would do this over and over you put your health at risk. This is not a sustainable way of living and using your energy and your body. Maintenance of yourself, your body, your health should be at least as important as a car don’t you think? We can replace a car but you got one body for this lifetime.
From selfish to self full
The thing standing in my way was feeling selfish. I was brought up to not be selfish. That was a bad bad thing. Whenever I was called selfish I felt so ashamed. We were supposed to take care of each other. That was the big virtue. But there is this gap then, you don’t get to take care of yourself. It’s not balanced if you only get to take care of someone else.
The woman that opened my eyes was Iyanla Vanzant. I first saw it when it originally aired, in 2012. She talks about taking care of yourself, that it’s not selfish but self full. Here’s a link to the video in which she spoke about: Why you should put yourself first. It’s amazing! Must see! Click link below to watch.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhqokZF5OFU
Iyanla talks about how each person is the first representative of god in your own life. And how you treat yourself is how you treat god. I’m not a christian but I felt that one, big time. We are all a child of whatever power created us. We are all equally worthy. And the first person we got responsibility over in our lives is ourselves.
I am the first child in my life that I got responsibility over to care for. And I’m gonna take care of myself as I would another child, with love, kindness, compassion, patience..
I was given the responsibility to take care of myself. I am a part of nature, the universe and I am going to respect that and be self full.
We are all worthy of loving care
I am the first child in my life that I got responsibility over to care for. And I’m gonna take care of myself as I would another child, with love, kindness, compassion, patience, boundaries, lightness, play and laughter. With the utmost care.
I have to fill my own cup first, so I have something to give. And I can give in a sustainable way.
The major selfcare lesson I learned from Iyanla was this: I have to fill my own cup first, so I have something to give. And I can give in a sustainable way. I had a deal with myself. If I fill my cup to overflowing, I get to give what is overflowing (when I really want, not when I should) and I keep what’s in the cup for myself. So I can be healthy and strong and continue to feel well and joyful.
Practicing selfcare for REAL this time
So changing the mindset was actually the hardest part, as it always is. Apart from that I had to change my behavior.
It’s gonna sound so simple when I tell you how I changed this around. The step I took that changed my selfcare routine around was simply to schedule myself first.
When I start planning my week. The absolute first thing I plan is selfcare. I plan that as a must, so for other things I have to plan around that. So when I have to say no, it’s never no to selfcare.
And if something really needs to shift, I always reschedule selfcare.
Inspiration for self care in your daily life
I broke it down in a couple of categories, so it’s easier to see in what area you would like to add or change something. See where you feel you’d like to care and pamper yourself more or better, so you can feel even better and have more energy to live a joyful life.
Health and energy
Think along the line of healthy nutritious foods, drinking more water or even green juices. Sleep well, clean up or create your bedtime ritual, e.g. no devices in bed. Exercise that is fun for you, cause fun is super healthy!
Energy wise, a great tip is to pinpoint what gives you energy and what drains you and adjust where you feel necessary.
2. Rest, relax, recharge
Take moments in the week or even daily, to let go of all that is happening and what you’ve been doing or need to do. Find something that helps you release the day. This can be a bath, meditation, taking a nap, taking a walk in nature or simply doing nothing. Take a couple of deep breaths. Whatever it is for you. This is a moment where you experience stillness. Where you don’t have to do anything. A breathing space. Think mini spa like moments at home.
3. Fun and play
This is sort of like a more active way of recharging. Having fun and playful adventures. Again whatever that is for you. I like to go dance, sing karaoke, go to the cinema, go out for dinner (although now of course many have turned into online activities).
4. Connection
First things first: before you connect with someone else, make sure you are connected with yourself. A craving for connection is a craving to be seen, heard and understood. So see yourself. If you feel disconnected with yourself, see if any of the above selfcare rituals can recenter you.
We are social creatures as humans. We desire connection. That’s what’s become even more clear, in this pandemic time. Missing people physically just being around you. That in itself has this energy to it. Connection can give us energy. Connect with people that give you energy. Go to where the love is.
5. Pampering
The luxury of unnecessary necessary selfcare. It’s the bonus, which I wanna say is a must as well! This is pampering, which we all deserve, just because. Lets live beautifully. Surround yourself with beauty and inspiration. This can be a fresh bouquet of flowers, a facial, an at home spa day (do a face mask, run a bath, paint your nails), dress up even if you’re just staying home just for your own pleasure, reading a great book. Whatever makes you feel pampered.
When I start planning my week. The absolute first thing I plan is selfcare. I plan that as a must, so for other things I have to plan around that.
The foundation of wellbeing: fill your own cup
What your selfcare looks like is up to you and your interests and how it makes you feel. The idea is that it is your foundation of wellbeing. Discover what you need to feel good. Your selfcare rituals are to fill you up. It’s to make you feel healthy, energized, balanced and joyful in a more consistent way. It’s about listening to your heart and body and hearing what you need to be whole and full. Whatever fuels you up, take the time. Plan it first. Be self FULL!
When you show up FULL, you can live fully and fully enjoy life.
Take care of that beautiful soul that you are, so you can shine like crazy!
With love,
An-na
