Super scared and doing it anyway

Photo by me of The SCARY plan

We all have big fears. Whether it’s fear of dogs, heights, fear of opening up in relationships, hypochondria, whatever the big fear(s) is, sooner or later we gotta deal with it or have it rule our lives. 

My big fear

One of my big fears (it ain’t the only one baby) is my body, my health. Just a little recap backstory: I’ve had 10 years of lyme disease in which I could barely sit up and walk. I was in severe exhaustion and pain for most of that time. Now since, I've healed. Yay for that, I’ve been healthy for 6 years, hallelujah! My big fear is to go through something like that again. To lose my health in whatever way.

Distrusting my body

When I was sick all of my focus was on getting healthy and I didn’t quite think past that because that was the all important big one. Then I got better and soon realized, oh shit, I gotta process all this shit now. 

Cause what had happened was that I now distrusted my body. I wanted to do all the things my body could do again but was also super afraid to do them now. Everyday things like going for a walk, biking, walking stairs, cooking, doing groceries. “Bigger” things like dancing and staying up into the night, traveling alone (abroad), working and exercising. I definitely had the zest of life after 10 years of quarantine (I never had the words to explain what it was like during that time but since the pandemic I do. Being severely sick feels like being in quarantine plus all the pains of being ill). So I went for it. 

The smaller everyday things went pretty okay. There was definitely excessive fear that I know the average person doesn’t have. I remember thinking on the yoga mat, during the first months of starting yin yoga, when class is over will I be able to bike home? Or when I bike to the grocery store will I be able to make it back? I was building trust with my body again. 

Every new level of increase it’s still there. The fear of can I?, will I be able? and will it hurt? And if it does, can I handle the pain? I fear physical pain and excruciating exhaustion. After a decade of being in it, it’s logical that my body has these memories stored inside. 

When I was sick I did try to do mild exercise like biking for like a minute to start. I ended up after curled into a ball for 2 hours straight because of the pain attack it caused. One flight of stairs meant 45 minute of that. 50-100 steps taken would have me gag from exhaustion. 

OMG: The exercise level

Which brings me to now. Right now I got most of the daily stuff down. I can walk and not worry. I can bike to everyday places. I can cook and clean. I can work part time. I can go out and do fun stuff, meet up with friends. I regularly do mild exercises like yoga en Qi Gong. 

So a couple of months ago I was feeling it was time for the next next level. Actually the level that really really scared me. It felt like the real big exam. If I can do this then I really am back. I was wondering if it was time to EXERCISE exercise. As in things for cardio and strength. I don’t mean the gym. But fun (for me) things like dancing, surfing, roller skating, pole dancing. Things I really really wanted to do. Actually surfing was my dream during Lyme, if I got better I would surf. I saw myself surfing, would daydream about it. Surfing seemed like the freedom I was dreaming about. And dancing is my soul’s language.

The minute I started thinking about it the fear came roaring. NO. HELL NO. NO. NO. NO. I can’t. I don’t wanna risk the pain. The exhaustion. NO CANNOT HANDLE THAT. Don’t want to handle that. I don’t need exercise. I don’t need to go there. I’m fine where I am. 

I’m gonna do it

After a while of that, fighting the whole idea, I sat down and talked to my father-in-law. Why you ask? Well he was a triathlete. Someone who exercised daily (except one required rest day a week) up to two hours a day. A full triathlon can take up to 18 hours to finish. So I thought he knows a thing or two about this whole exercise deal and asked him for advice on how to approach this, after such a long time away from this level of exercise. 

He said the biggest mistake was people go too hard too fast. That actually can damage your muscles and such. What you want is to build it up slowly. It’s good to feel a little challenged by the step you're taking but not overly. And once you get used to that step and no longer feel challenged, that’s when you can add the next step. There were also a lot of graphs, which I cannot reformulate to you. But the gist was to take enough rest in between and also not to take too long in between for the next session. For me, start with one class a week and see from there. It’s the sweet spot everyone needs to figure out for themselves, for the level they are at. I feel like I’m writing a sports column. Look at that, quelle surprise. Me, who is afraid of exercise passing through exercise wisdom. 

After I made a plan to start. I made some sort of graph drawing after being inspired by my father in law’s. It’s actually just an upwards curve on which I drew the exercise steps I would do :). Every step is something I’ve dreamed of doing. 

First afro dance (love the music and the cool dance steps), biking longer distances through the city of Amsterdam (to rediscover my city), vinyasa yoga (for core and strength training for my next step), pole dancing, roller skating and of course THE finale of SURFING.

Super scared and doing it

I started last year in September with afro dance. And I knew I was gonna be scared. I just didn’t know how scared I was gonna be. I was not prepared for what started happening. Before I even went to the first class, my body went into survival mode panic. The thought I kept hearing was “I’m gonna die”. Like in a physical immediate threat kind of way. This level of exercise apparently felt like a huge threat to my body and mind. I was super surprised but after what I’ve been through it’s also a bit logical that it would feel that way. 

So I booked a class and days before I was like this. In deep survival fear mode. I went to the class, don’t ask me how! I just knew I wanted to get the start over with. Hopefully it would be better after (NOT). Now that I decided to do it, I was gonna do it. Plus these were dreams of mine. And I didn’t want what had happened to me to hold me back in life. 

So it was a miracle that I actually did the class. Which was fun. Great women, super teacher, loved the music and all the while my mind was going: “I’m gonna die”. And at the end of the class I said to myself, “I didn’t die!”. Proud and relieved it was over. I was super exhausted and feeling my muscles ache in a big way.

Next week, same thing. My body again went into deep survival panic days before, super scared, trying to find a valid reason to persuade myself to cancel. I didn’t find one that wasn’t chickening out so I went again. Again, same thing. The whole class I was convinced that I was gonna die and I didn’t in the end. 

Did it get easier? First NO. It was HARD the first month. Turns out yes muscles ache after such a while. It does very much ache. It hurt from day one to week 4 or so without relief. There wasn’t a day without and I was despairing if it would ever go away. And that was also super scary. I wanted to give up many many many times. But I could never find a valid reason. Cause I didn’t want fear to rule my life. And if I would quit, I would let fear take over and hold me back. And I’ve missed too much of life to let it happen again. So I kept going, super scared and doing it anyway. The first month I shed so many tears. Of fear, of pain, of exhaustion. Wondering if the fear would ever leave again or be more manageable and eventually… it did.      

WOW, I can do it?

The more and more I saw that I didn’t die, class after class, I started to also think “hey my body can do this”. It can do more than I thought, huh, look at that. Around a month in, I started to feel my fitness increase, I had more stamina, more strength, more energy. And hallelujah, less muscle aches, only a day or two after the class, which was way more manageable and gave me some space to breathe. Week 5/6 the voice died down and stopped saying that I was gonna die, since it got convinced I wasn’t. It changed into “Can I do this?”/”I can’t do this”. Also a cautious “I can do this?” (note the question mark) thrown in here and there. Still fearful, although thank god, less panic. 

I can feel that I’m closing into the phase of “I can do it” without the question mark. After many rounds of training my body to get to the next level I know this is coming. It happened when I trained myself to sit up, to walk, to bike. I start thinking I can’t, doubting, fearing what will happen. Although none of the times was as intense as this time. Eventually it goes from surprise, “wow I can do this?” to “I can do this”. Fear goes from all the time, to sprinkled here and there, to the point that I even forget about it. Even if it doesn’t go away completely, it’s way less, more liveable. And that’s exactly why I do this hard stuff, for the freedom. Going into this my intention was to free my body so I could enjoy my body, enjoy my life. Be fully alive.

My soul says I’m ready

I’m now in my 5th month of this plan. I started afro dance (LOVE), biking more in the city (feels so free) and doing vinyasa yoga (love getting stronger). I’m now wondering if I’m ready for pole dancing as I’m feeling less challenged lately, exercise wise. 

Still every time I go to class or get on my bike, I hear this whisper “Can I do this?”. I hear it louder when I ask myself can I go to the next step, pole dancing? It says, “I CAN’T DO IT”, “I’m not ready!”, “I’m not strong enough yet”.

So I asked my soul if she’s ready. And she says february. So feb it is. I’m gonna take the next step. Scared and doing it anyway. 

Eat the fear

Cause sometimes (or a lot of times) it’s like that and that’s the way it is. (For some reason Run dmc’s “it’s like that” popped into mind, I’m listening to it now of course).

If you’re up for facing your big one. You got this. Will you be scared? Super scared yes. Will there be tears? Probably. Will you want to back down? Definitely. And still, you can do it. You can be super scared and do it anyway. First you will feel like the fear is eating you up (I know it sucks), but there will be this magic moment when you feel like you are eating the fear.

To eating your fears and becoming more and more free to be yourself.

XO An-na