The Power of NO
Photo by Xavi Cabrera
NO
In my family NO was like a curse word. Maybe even one of the worst. Like an unforgivable curse (Yes a Harry Potter reference, my husband is a huge fan, I’ve been corrupted ;) ). I don’t think we realised this consciously. But saying no was like slapping someone in the face.
Since growing up, I’ve realized saying NO has been a struggle for me. Even when I knew I didn’t want to, physically forming and saying the word NO was like torture, and usually I would refrain from doing so. I started noticing, my family almost never uses the word NO, even when they mean no and we all know it. You’ll get a “I don’t know” or “let me think about it” or “I’ll get back to you” and let the issue fade into forgetfulness.
I heard that it’s an asian thing. A lot of asian cultures don’t even have a word for NO. But I think it’s super relatable to most, and goes beyond asian culture, to find it hard to say no.
No has this negative idea clinging to it of rejection. I don’t want to hurt anyone by “rejecting” them, so I might not always speak my full truth. People pleasing, wanting to avoid disappointment, wanting to avoid conflict. No was really hard for me to say. It was a challenging lesson to learn. But one that was essential for me to start living from my own power.
Here are some of the biggest insights about the power of NO that I have learned and have helped me break through to tap the power of a true NO.
NO is LOVE
When NO is my truth, it is self love and love to whom it involves.
It’s me saying this is my truth, my true self in this moment, and I value you and me enough to share my truth. I value our relationship enough to share myself truthfully with you.
One of my favorite ways of reminding myself of “NO is LOVE” (for all sides) is something Iyanla Vanzant says:
“When you sacrifice yourself for other people, you make them a thief, because they are stealing from you what you need, and they don’t even know it.”
Hearing her say that was a shock to my system. Oh my god, it’s so dishonest to not just me, but to others just as well, to put a fake yes out there! When we say yes and we don’t mean it, we give away energy or time that we didn’t want to give away and that causes resentment or stress of some sort, in ourselves and in the relationship.
I finally understood it in a way that broke me open and released this deep desire of having a true real NO and a true real YES.
NO is SPACE for your YES
I’m a Marie Kondo enthusiast, a big one.
Marie Kondo is known as a declutter and organising specialist. To me she is an expert and advocate for joy. Her philosophy is to keep the things that spark joy for you and gratefully release what no longer gives you joy.
Doing a MK cleanse last year (2019) was probably one of the most life enriching things I did for myself.
So we Marie Kondo’d. We piled all our stuff, by category as instructed, in our living room. First clothes, then books etc. And took each item and held them in our hands and felt our reactions to it. No thinking, just feeling. Does it make me smile? Happy? Joyful? Does it light me up? Is it a YES? Or NO?
And it surprised me sometimes. I would expect to light up only to feel nothing. So I discovered I thought I liked things that turned out to not be true (anymore). And I was sometimes way more enthused by things I didn’t expect. I learned I don’t know myself as well as I thought and also I’m changing always. Some things that give me joy, change, some stay the same. Joy evolves as I evolve in my life. My YESses and NOs change as I change.
This cleansing and clearing out, taught me so much about my YES and my NO and how to recognize it. I made so many tiny decisions over and over. I got better at deciding overall in life and especially in choosing joy, my real YES. Saying YES truly to joy over and over and saying gratefully NO truly over and over to the things that no longer bring me joy, gave me SPACE! Litterally and maybe even more figuratively. Space in my outer home, space in my inner home, my heart and mind.
MK method of joy rippled into every part of my life. My work projects (way too many!), my social commitments, relationships, selfcare. She is everywhere I go, haha.
A true NO is SPACE,
for your true YES
And with her joy method, I’ve created space. Space to just be space. Space to take care of myself more. Space to do what truly lights me up. Cause a fake yes, is not harmless, it takes space from my real yes.
A real NO creates space for my real YES.
NO is JOY
A true NO is more space for your true YES. And that means more space for JOY.
NO is HEALTHY
I was sick for a decade almost, and after 4 and a half years in, I forgot how it felt to be healthy. I just couldn’t remember the feeling. I had this fantasy that when I was healthy I could do everything. Never would have to say NO to anything that I wanted to do again. That was my fantasy of what being healthy was going to be like haha. Well.. no, not even a little bit. Being healthy is not only YESses. Being healthy is being balanced.
I struggled a bit when I got better, because of this unrealistic idea of health. I thought that I would have achieved “health” when I wouldn’t have to say no anymore to all the fun things I wanted to do. So for years that I was healthy, I kinda felt I just wasn’t there yet, not yet healthy enough because I still had to choose and manage my energy. Still had to say NO.
In a yoga workshop I asked my teacher: How do you do it all? I want to do all the things that I like. I feel then I would be healthy. She said: I say NO. A lot. I choose what is most important to me and do those. Me: Ohhh…
For your YES to be healthy,
you need a NO
Gave me something to think about. I realized she was saying no is part of being healthy. There is no YES without NO. You need both. For your YES to be healthy, you need a NO. Wow! So simple, yet so profound. How quickly would we be overwhelmed if we only said yes?! Yes and No are to be friends :).
No is PEACE
Having a real NO in your toolbelt of life skills is having access to peace. It will reduce a lot of stress being able to say no, when you mean no. You’ll feel less overwhelmed. You will have more time, more energy left. And even more importantly you will have more inner peace because you are no longer divided by saying yes and meaning no. Less inner stress. More peace.
Tips on saying NO:
First check in within yourself. Do you want to say yes or no?
When you don’t know yet, just say you’ll get back to them. You can say that you don’t know yet or that you’ll check it out if it works for you and get back to them later, when you do know. Especially when it’s hard for you to make up your mind in the moment, create this space alone and extra time for yourself. So you can feel what your heart wants.
Body awareness, of your NO and YES.
Explore where in your body you feel your NO and your YES. Learn to recognise the sensations and feeling of it. For me, for example, when it feels like a no, my breathing gets stuck, like I stop breathing. I can also feel tension in my troat and belly area. An overall sense of dread or heaviness. When I feel it’s a YES, then I feel light and a smile can come up, I feel relaxed and at ease. My breathing is easy. I feel energetic or excited.
No is a full sentence.
Explaining yourself is unnessary. Intention is important in this. You can choose to share your story, if you like. Sense if you just want to share your life with the person or if you are trying to explain because you feel some sort of guilt or something alike. In that case try NO as a full sentence.
Be kind to yourself, as always it’s a practice, and sometimes we get closer to being our true self and sometimes it feels like we are far away. We are always evolving and it feels often as we are beginners again and again. And we are, beginners, at every new phase or deeper level, we begin again. Be kind to yourself in this process. You try and try again and sometimes you will miss and try again. I know I have missed a lot of moments and yet I try again and again. You may always re-choose! Did you say yes and meant no? You can always change your mind and say so.
NO is POWER
A true no is power. If you have no true NO, you cannot live from your true power. You can only be truly yourself when you have a real NO and a real YES.
If you are living someone else’s YESses or NO’s. You are giving your power away.
Follow your true YES and your true NO. It will connect you with your authentic power. Free you to be more truly yourself.
It will create space for more joy, health, peace and love in your life.
Shine all of your crazy bright light and make the world a brighter place!
LOVE,
An
