You can’t be two people at the same time

Me age 18. In Sofia, Bulgaria, backpacking with my best friend Roos (who took the pic).

To be who I should be or who I really am

You can’t be two people at the same time. That sounds logical and kinda impossible right? And yet I have tried so hard to do just that. To be the person I thought I should be and the person that I really am in my heart. 

I actually tried to be both at the same time. And of course it ended badly. The battle between these two brings dis-ease. Whether it’s unhappiness, depression, anxiety or illness. There is no peace to be found when you live in a split like this. 

The respectful good girl

It came most to light when I was a teenager (hello hormones). I tried to be who my parents wanted me to be, a nice respectful obedient good Chinese girl. Honestly, I say I tried and I did, but I really really sucked at it. I don’t think they ever even noticed me trying, I was that bad at it.

The reason I was that bad at it was because I always knew who I was. I wasn’t that conscious of it at the time. But I can see now, I had this deep calling to be creative, I had this deep clear inner voice, intuition, telling me which way to go. And it was SO strong. I couldn’t ignore it, not even for my parents. 

The split of two lives

But part of me wanted their love and approval, to be a good girl for them. So what I did was this: I lived both of the lives at the same time. That of the good girl: I would work after school and weekends in our family take out restaurant, do well enough at school. And simultaneously I was in the pursuit of happiness, to live the life of my heart. I tried to be who I felt deep in my heart to be, a creative soul. I knew in every cell of my body that I was supposed to be an actress. I joined a youth theatre school and took a couple of classes a week. Musical and acting class. Singing, dancing and playing dress up. I didn’t understand why, I was the shyest most quiet girl in the class always, it didn’t make sense. I just knew it to be true. I knew it in my bones. To know who you are and to choose otherwise, even when it’s on a part time basis, breaks you. So I broke. 

The breakdown

When I was 17, I got a burnout-ish depression, I stopped going to school for six months, I couldn’t get out of bed anymore (unless it was to work cause still I couldn’t upset my parents that much), I was so sad and so exhausted, I didn’t see a way forward.

I tried being both but even that was unacceptable. Cause the thing my heart had set her eyes on so fiercely was not respectable. Not even a little bit. It was as if I was going to work a window in the red light district, literally how it was said. 

From the moment I pursued my dreams, my parents and I fought relentlessly. My idea of being both people turned out impossible. The two identities too far apart from each other. The juggling and emotional split was too intense to keep up. And nobody was happy, not me, not my parents.    

So here came this crossroads. I broke down and stopped living any life. I couldn’t see a way forward. I can’t be happy without my family and yet I can’t be happy not being myself. It seemed like a lose-lose situation. I will be unhappy either way. We all will be unhappy either way.  

Hallelujah Help

Help came. Thank god help came! She came in the form of my mentor, Barbara. I was in her French class and she was also our class mentor. She talked to me, hours and hours she spent with me. She asked me this one question I’ve always remembered: “If you could have one thing in the world, no matter what, what would it be?” My answer was: “More hours in a day so I could do all the things I’m supposed to do and to also be able to do what I want. I’m just so tired.” She got me a social worker. Which I resisted for months before willing to try. I argued that I wasn’t crazy, I don’t need a professional. Eventually we made this deal, I would try it once and if I didn’t like it I could stop. (In the end I spent around 8-10 years, on and off, doing (group) therapy. It was good for my heart and also kinda tough.)

The social worker was the turning point. I unfortunately don’t remember her name, I only had a couple of sessions with her. But what she shared with me shaped the direction my life was gonna take. She was a godsend.

I got my power back

She just started out herself, she was an intern there. I was one of her first clients. And I am so grateful she came on my path, the lesson she taught me, I still use to this day. It’s one of my core practices. I love it so much, because although it can be a hard one, it gave me back my power. 

What she shared with me was: ownership. Everybody is responsible for themselves. For their own life. For their own reaction on everything. Whether it’s a situation, people, or about me. Everyone gets to choose. Not everybody is conscious of this, but there is a choice. There is ownership. 

I am responsible for my own happiness

I am responsible for my life. I get to choose my life. Create as I please. I am responsible for the way I react and feel about things, for what I choose. I am responsible for my own happiness. Which also means no blaming (yes I know, toughie) for my unhappiness. The power of creating my life lay in my own hands.

I do not get to choose for others. They get to create their lives. That is ownership. And that began to set me free, as I was a deep people pleaser. I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness. WOW! That, my dear, was the beginning of true freedom. The seed was planted. 

Who am I gonna be?

The crossroad that I was on, felt clearer somewhat, however I still was well aware of the disappointment of my family. Yet I kept repeating what my social worker angel told me: “They can become disappointed and hurt from the choices that you make. But they also have the option to be happy for you. It’s up to them to choose. That’s not up to you.” Since I can’t control how they feel and I’m not supposed to, I made the choice to own my life. I went to acting school and set out to become an actress. I made the choice to be myself and try for happiness.   

The adventure of becoming myself

That was the big tipping point moment of starting to retire the Good Girl. And the big surrender moment to the adventure of becoming myself. It was one of the HARDEST choices I made in my life. The aftermath was hard on all of us. My family was hurting bad and so was I. Often have I wondered would I choose it again.. And always the answer is the same. It’s also the BEST decision I have ever made. Cause I choose to be myself instead of who I was supposed to be. 

That has been my most longed for dream of all: to be myself.     

We can’t be two people at the same time.

Who are we gonna be?

Which part is in charge: Brokenness or Wholeness?

It’s the choice between brokenness and wholeness. It’s about being brave enough to say to yourself: I am worthy and lovable and loved just as I am right now. I love myself as is, right now. So there is no need to be anybody that I am not. No need to hustle and whore for love. I am free to be myself.

Of course there is brokenness, pain inside us. In all of us. Honestly I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t carry pain with them. We can try and heal that part, who knows if it will all go away. It feels like a lifetime project sometimes, neverending, doesn’t it?! Yet we do have power here. We get to choose. Yes, pain is here in us. But we get to choose which part is in charge.

Do we allow our wholeness, which is love, or our brokenness, which is pain and fear, to be in charge? This is for me the only question I ever face, over and over, even to this day 17 years later. In whatever situation or relationship, with myself or others, it comes down to this: Do I choose to let fear take control or am I brave enough to let love rule?

Which part gets to call the shots? Letting wholeness create your life creates more wholeness. Letting fear take over will create more fear and feeling more broken.

LOVE or FEAR?

Wholeness or brokenness?

Who are we gonna be? And what are we gonna create, for ourselves and also for the world. More fear of more love? More brokenness or more wholeness?

Be and love who you really are. The world needs your wholeness.

You are worthy, lovable and loved, as is right now.

Love,

Ann