Hello dear pain, thank you for being a friend.

Photo by Alexander Milo

Hello dear pain, 

I know I’ve been a distant acquaintance for most of my life. You know I was just really really scared to get closer to you. I had this fear that I couldn’t handle how you would make me feel and what you were going to tell me. I’ve been trying to really get to know you for the past years, trying to make up for mostly trying to ignore you. Trying to hear what it is that you want to tell me. And yes there were times I felt I could barely bear how you made me feel, pain. And it is, at times, very hard to hear the hard yet loving truth you tell me.  

Now that I’ve gotten to know you better, I know you are just watching out for me. A lot of the time, if not all of the time, you are telling me something I need to know. Whether it is: stop, no, not this way, not like this, not this person, not this pattern, turn around, this is not healthy, this is not fun, this is not okay, I am not okay, this is not me, this is not true for me, do something else, be somewhere else, this does not feel good. You, pain, have turned out to be a very reliable and trustworthy friend and adviser. What I have noticed is that you pop up when I veer off of my true path. Warning me to get back on my own right track. 

I’m sorry I ignored so many warnings and hunches, you were trying to wave me down and say, hey turn around, this is not the way. And you did this by allowing me to feel pain, in the moment the moment wasn’t right for me. I was so scared of feeling you pain. And because of that I have ignored many red flags, big and small. Cause I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle you and I knew somewhere inside me you would tell me things that would be hard to know and disrupt my world. But you, my friend, are also a stubborn one. I ignored you and you stuck with it. You screamed louder and louder to get my attention, knowing I was still going in the wrong direction. The pain you made me feel got stronger and deeper, cause I didn’t want to hear you out. You my friend are not one that bows down, you are a stayer. As stubborn as they come, until you’ve been heard and the right direction is resumed again. That is to me a sign of a true friend. Even though you have truth to say that I don’t want to hear, but you know it will change my life for the better, you say it, and you keep at it until I know it and hear you. I’ve come to trust you because of this. I know you come bearing truth and healing. Guidance for my own right way. I am sometimes still scared though, especially in the midst of you pain, that I can’t bear it. But to be fair, I have always survived you. I’m still here. And you have been one of the biggest reasons that I’ve been thriving. Because of the untruths you have pointed me towards and the healing that it has brought. You helped me navigate towards my true path, and you still continue to do so. Thank you for telling me what isn’t true for me. Thank you for telling me/ screaming at me (when I’m particularly hard of hearing) when I go in the wrong direction. Thank you for having my best interest at heart. Thank you for helping me see that I’m stronger than I thought. Thank you for always always watching over me. 

When I am on my true right path, I might not see you for a while, but every time I wander off my true path, you always show up, guiding me and taking care of me in your own unique way. 

I understand you more now and I’m glad I’ve taken the time to get to know you and your intentions. I know now that you were always on my side, watching over me and taking loving care of me. Directing me on my path, helping me stay true to myself. You got my back, front and sides, thank you for being a friend. 

With love,

An-na